Contemplations from the Cornfields

Happy Day...

2012-02-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

Happy day
Arting Day

Just keep Artin'

2012-02-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Disclosure- I am stubborn and I don't learn, I need to repeat constantly.....

It would seem these last few weeks, my hand pain has been increasing....it is getting harder and harder to get myself to do art. I love doing art so this is breaking my heart...I found out yesterday that I have nerve damage in my hands and feet and possibly neck. Today I found out that I will probably need surgery. I really don't want surgery.
I really don't like how my art looks today.... its just not coming together. I think I am taking the fun out of it...and somehow I need to put the fun back in. I need to just get back to feeling my art....
Maybe I need to go out , scream at the moon, howl in the wind, throw dishes [ Kara =) ] , fucking cuss up a storm and whip some paint around.
On that note... here are my latest altered pages for my book of days ~

This one is for Effy because I love when she says
You Rock My PopTarts
I had tried to experiment with water colors, fail.
Painted with acrylics, stewart gill and stamps

Used Inktense watercolors today
followed a prompt but not feeling it
Not used to water color pencils yet
I do like my art tag... that was fun
I do like my new stamps
and I do like the message
I need to take my own path.
I need to continue reminding myself
because I tend to be stubborn .

Ode to temper tantrums, Effy and art

2012-02-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Had to force myself to do art today... feel as if all life has been zapped out of me. I know I bitch alot about being sick but it is what it is...I vent. I don't pretend. I don't wear fake masks. There are some days where I can absolutely find joy and love, rainbows and unicorns in the day. And then, here lately it seems often, I feel like the pain has chewed me , swallowed and spit me out. I envision myself this crumpled mess.

It has now been over two years since the doctors first diagnosed me with Crohn's...two years of people telling me I will wake up better, two years of people telling me to pray harder, eat healthier, laugh often, take more pills, take more vitamins, and the list goes on and on. Truthfully, I wonder if all the people telling me to do something to magically cure me is what has kept me from accepting I have a chronic disease. I imagine one day I will get there but for now... I am bitchy. Truly bitchy. In my true two year old self,I am throwing the epic tantrum of all tantrums. I no longer wish to be sick. I want to be cured. At the very least, I want the doctors to listen to me, to help me with the excruciating pain that has become my life. Fuck it.

The one thing that has kept me from jumping off that bridge has been art. She saved my life ten years ago when Nora died and she continues to save my life now. Whether it be photography or mixed media, damn I am having fun. Watching this Book of Days come to life has been better than all the infusions, injections and horrible tasting pills. This actually works to lift my spirits.

I don't know if Effy, the wonderful, glittery soul that started Book of Days realizes how much she has helped each of us. Its like the universe just did its job, and put this amazing sisterhood together at a time when we all needed it the most. For that I am grateful. This Book of Days has helped me push through the pain and the depression and produce something that makes me smile.

And really, in the end, that is all that matters.

Bestie happy mail !!

2012-01-31T11:17:00.000-08:00

Today started out with tears and pain. Feelings of failure ran abundant, they actually still do but have been granted a temporary reprieve. Cue knock on the door, car driving away. Mailman with delivery. Happy Mail. Bundle of joyful bliss. Eye candy. What my bestie doesn't realize is that she has given me much more than she realizes. First, she gave me a hug and love by including pictures of three incredible boys. Second, she gave me a gift for my birthday, an exquisite calendar with handpaintings dedicated to friendship complete with handmade card. Third, she doesn't realize this but I hoard colorful, wonderful objects to use in my book of days. I will be able to do such wonderful pieces centered around this gift and that makes me really happy.

But so much more than all of that, she gave me a life raft. She reminded me that I am blessed.

Art Meditation

2012-01-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

Art meditation has been healing for me. This Book of Days has been downright cathartic. Even with the constant pain in my hands, I still find myself drawn to the art , the color, the peace. I sit at my table and just feel. I don't plan, I don't think, I just do. I just am. I listen to my heart... I feel the colors and everything just happens. I am learning to just completely let go and let the art find its way and I am loving it. It makes my spirit soar to allow the art to happen.

My healing Goddess was in full play today. She knows that I want to heal. I am starting to wonder if I need to heal in a different way. She is trying to teach me acceptance of the disease and I am fighting tooth and nail. I want to wake up tomorrow and be healed but instead its just more pain. Goddess of Healing would like me to choose another path. I have to learn this path.. I have to accept this path.

Now comes the hard part.

Wrinkled life

2012-01-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

Wrinkled life
seem to be
the recurring theme
at the end of the week.
After a world of happiness
on my birthday
Life crashed once again
More doctors
More tests
More bad news
Even the Book of Days
wrinkled up
and made me sad.
Time to stop
Time to rest
Time with hubby
In the end
We will always have
Midnight in Paris.

42 and counting

2012-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

These days feel like I am on the downward spiral of life. I know that sounds depressing but its honest, and its how I feel. With all the meds and all the physical problems, I don't know how long I will live or the quality of life I will have. For that reason, I am completely aware of my birthday..completely aware of being alive today.

My book of days spread for yesterday and today are two different mindsets. Yesterday I was having an Eeyore kind of day. I was mopey, depressed, very sad and didn't want to leave my blankets. I, indeed, felt as though my tail had fallen off. I slept most of the day then I went to bed early.

Today has been different... been happier.... I have had much love showered upon me and I am blessed.

Make time to play

2012-01-23T16:26:00.000-08:00

Today was Monday's Book of Days Spread...I wasn't going to let my pain get to me so I decided to do a tip-in using an incredibly inspiring piece of art from my dear friend, MotherHenna. I have received new distress inks and I had to use them. I am happy with how it turned out, I even distressed MotherHenna's piece of art and love how it makes it look coffee stained...

I must remember to play.

Just Be

2012-01-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Recent turns in friends' lives have prompted me to be rather vocal which has in turned sparked a debate. I believe that us, as a human race, should be more compassionate, more empathetic. When a person has an internal struggle and chooses to share it, in my most humble opinion, I feel we should just listen. We should allow them to be , just be. Whether it be sadness, anger, happiness, angst...just let them be. Don't tell them to count their blessings, be grateful for what they have or it could be worse. Just hold their hand, listen to their heart and just let them be.

My mood has been all over the place. Art has certainly helped me get through some dark times. Off my soapbox and onto my Book of Days....much love to everyone.

Finding spunk through pain

2012-01-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

I have said it.. I have screamed it.. my friends know..hell people who don't know me know it.. I am fucking sick of this pain. I understand I have a disease. I have accepted that but this is ridiculous. We are in the year 2012, pain should be controlled and if its not, your doctor isn't doing something right.

Ugg...well the pain was prominent, is prominent...thankfully my hubby got me out of the house and we went to Menards, midwest home store. I need to use a wheelchair when I am out and my son finds great fun in pushing me, ummmmm zooming me around stores.

My eye caught the paint supply department and of course my artist heart went nuts. They have packing tape in colors. COLORS. PRINTS. This is so freaking cool. I decided to do my Book of Days spread in this tape. My hands hurt so it didn't turn out like I would have liked it but I love the tape and that is all that matters today.

All in all.. a good weekend.. My Patriots won. I rested a good deal . I did some art. Laughed with my hubby and kids. Laughed at the dogs. Got snarky with the Golden Globes. Saw Johnny Depp on the award show. Great weekend despite the pain.

Without further ado... monday spread.

80's Glam

2012-01-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

Duran Duran, Van Halen, Tears for Fears, stirrup pants, big hair...the list goes on and on. As an 80's girl, and one whose inner child still resides inside of her...well I couldn't resist the new 80's glam Sharpie Markers. I was so excited to see the vibrant colors. Made me want to get out my cassette tapes and jump around.

These days, Crohn's is stopping me from physically jumping but my inner child was all over this... I had my music going, both on my phone and in my head... and sat down with my Book of Days. I was also psyched about my new glitter paint...wonderful wonderful heartful art supplies...makes me happy.

I used watercolors, glitter paint, pencils to sketch my glam girl and the new sharpies to color her in. I know I am on my downhill spin, so I went ahead and cheated. I used a tip in for tomorrows spread. I had to use the Sharpie material because it was so damn cool.... I glittered it up, wrote down some reflections. I also took the time to prepare some future pages since I know my injection day is coming up..but you can bet I will be thinking of my book of days every day...even when I am sleeping !!

Hazards of Mosaic....and lots of laughter

2012-01-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

Learning to mosaic today....I had my head bent down so long
gluing pieces that I didn't see this guy latch on...LOL.. hazards
of arting. I was laughing so hard ..

So today was fun.. I think my lesson from today has to be
to drop perfection. I have to drop comparing myself to others
because I feel that is hindering me, not helping me...I am having fun
with Effy's class.. love shabbification...love to learn..this book
of days has been a way to release my pain.... and use
it for art... which is always a good thing...

Book of Days first week

2012-01-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

This was my first go at this... and well still don't have the
hang of it...markers smeared, ink was ruined...LOL..learning day

Well this was just the day from hell... couldn't get anything
blended...felt awful.. tried to have a good day but turns out
you can't make yourself have a good day. Today I spilled gesso
down the wall..lit part of my book on fire and lost a cap to the
alcohol inks...oi vey... bad day.

Today was a good day and I am happy. Today is my grandmom's
92nd birthday..she taught me spunk, she gave me spirit, she taught
me to fight when the world keeps kicking you.... she is my hero. I
miss her so much every day...this picture...so funny..she is dressed as a
flapper, smoking a cigarette , showing leg... it was her signature
trademark...my grandmom.. the original spunk girl.

BOD- inside cover and new year spread

2012-01-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

Inside cover of altered book..letter to 2011 and secret pocket
for letter to 2012

Well.. this was just plain fun. This was the New Year spread.

Car art

2011-12-29T09:47:00.001-08:00

On our way to see my hubbys mom and dad, family and friends...impromptu due to my fil's health....took my journal and had fun wth metallic markers....family laughing because i was using alcohol wipes and paper towels....hey whatever you have!

Book of Days - the beginning

2011-12-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

Picked my book and just started painting...felt very drawn toward
fuscia, teal and plum.

pulled out my papers, played but couldn't get the back cover
the way I wanted. In fact, I ripped most of it off
repainted and started over.

Finished front cover
Word is Spunk Spirit- I just made it up
You can't see in the photo but the girl's spunky
shoes sparkle... she was my focal point
for the project. The feathers added Spirit.
I am thrilled with the front cover. Can't wait
to delve into this project.

Spunk and Spirit

2011-12-19T18:23:00.000-08:00

Fortitude is defined as the mental strength that enables courage in the face of adversity.

Every day I awake, every day I take a breath I realize that I am using inner strength. I admit that this task is becoming increasingly difficult. Some days the pain is larger than I am. Some days, I don't feel like it. Plain and simple. Almost a toddler like spirit decides to have a temper tantrum and be done with all of it.

This disease seems bigger than me. Doctors are giving me impossible choices.

As I approach the New Year, as I start Effy's Book of Days, I am starting anew. I chose a word that will define my future. I chose Fortitude. But as the blog post was born, I realized that the word was a starting point.

Spunk and Spirit; my twins who will travel with me this year. Spunk and Spirit will help me overcome this disease. Spunk and Spirit will allow me to wake up fighting each and every day.

Creative December Day 13

2011-12-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

Dashing through the snow
On a one horse open sleigh
Over the fields we go
Laughing all the way
HA HA
Sabrina, with her faux fur
and perfect pearls
decided to go caroling
with two delightful friends.

Creative December Day 12

2011-12-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

Seems our snow girls woke up bright and early this morning and trekked over to see Rudolph and the gang. Suzy Snowgirl was chatting up Yukon Cornelius but soon the winter winds came blowing by and turned them both blue !! Tomorrow is another day, I can't wait to find out where they turn up next.

Creative December Day 10

2011-12-10T17:50:00.001-08:00

Not feeling the spirit. Sadness has come over me...part missing my daughter Nora who died...part knowing my son is a man...the spirit is coming and going....but these two snow girlies....they are my favorite deco this year. They seem to want to travel....today they visited their snow man friend and paused to pose for a picture...

Creative December - Day 6

2011-12-06T16:12:00.001-08:00

Puppy love....Jackie is our rescue... we never planned on having another dog but the universe had other plans. Look at this face... of course we fell in love with her. The moment we found her and her sister abandoned, we fell in love. Just couldn't keep them both.. talk about Sophie's choice. Jackie was least aggressive so we did choose her.. took the other puppy to the local non kill shelter and she too has found a forever home.
So this is Jackie's first snow... at first she was terrified but as the day went on , she started attacking, playing, eating and just having fun. She wouldn't run in the snow until her older sister, Ellie , showed her how.
And now Jackie is a snow lover....after all , snow is magical !!!!

Creative December - Day 5

2011-12-05T12:30:00.001-08:00

This piece was a slightly bit unusual for me...
I never set out to do anything particular
Feelings determine the color
Mood determines the medium
Pain determines the type of canvas
The other day I was angry
A red and purple anger
Finished the canvas
It stared at me
and stared at me
I had nothing
Just red and purple anger
until last night
I saw a tree
sketched the tree
softened the tree and the anger
who knows...
maybe there is more to this story.

Creative December - Day 3

2011-12-03T13:59:00.001-08:00

Santa 2.0
The original Santa was bought for our
very first Christmas
over 20 years ago
Santa has survived too many moves to count
Santa has survived two children
dogs, hamsters and other mysterious creatures of the night
But Santa was missing some of himself
and his light burnt out.
The Cat in the Hat's spirit landed upon his head
leaving the rest of him begging for updating
A touch of Santa style bling
and he is hip hopping
ready to go.

Creative December- Day 2

2011-12-02T13:59:00.001-08:00

I absolutely fell in love with these two snow gals .

Shimmering in plaid and pearls

Creative Every day....or at least trying.

2011-12-01T18:18:00.001-08:00

Angel on the tree
Watching over me
The days have not been easy
the nights have been long
this year has been strange indeed
so I have a small request
if you would please
just send some luck and love
from up above
to rain down on our family?

AEDM November 29

2011-11-28T20:36:00.001-08:00

No content....coloring soothes the soul. That is all. Much love.

AEDM November 28

2011-11-28T10:26:00.001-08:00

On our way. I am cranky and hungry. I have never had to do a prep on the road. This sucks so bad. My poor family should really receive some sort of medal for tolerating me. For the record, with todays technology, doctors should not make a person starve for two days. Some of us cant handle it. Me.

Trying to amuse myself with music but its pissing me off....tried to suck on hard candy but I am chewing it like a crazed person. Shopping on google apps for phone photo apps and that made me happy for a bit. Found some good ones for my android phone including some cool filters.

So for the final days of AEDM, I will be doing phone photography...I miss my paints....

AEDM November 27

2011-11-27T11:38:00.001-08:00

Today was quite frankly uninspired
no creative monkeys jumping around
tomorrow I leave for the mayo
so I am filled with fear and trepidation
I did force myself to sit
to sketch, to pastel, to picnik
Feeling a bit like Charlie today..

AEDM November 26

2011-11-26T18:49:00.001-08:00

Christmas is my favorite holiday next to Halloween.... I love the decorations. I love going to Goodwill and finding some unique decoration and giving it a new home. Today my hubby decided that Abby and I needed to get out of the house so Goodwill felt like the perfect place. I found several pieces to add to our holiday collections.. but I also found a 8x10 wood picture that was screaming for gesso.

I gesso'd the wood and sketched out the snowman. Used acrylics and some cottonballs..really enjoyed doing this piece. I am hoping to continue doing art daily as it has become extremely therapeutic. I am so grateful to AEDM and how it really gave me the push I needed.

Love to all of you...I have so enjoyed your blogs... thank you so much!!!!!

AEDM November 25

2011-11-25T19:35:00.001-08:00

Acrylic background, watercolor pencil butterfly decorated with markers . Watercolor drippings.

AEDM November 23 and 24

2011-11-24T06:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday started out pretty normal for us...planned on doing art in the afternoon..Abby's dr appt because she was in the er the night before... basketball injury. My son drove me to the appt and suddenly we are registering at the hospital for a surgery. Ever since Nora died, I am a freak when it comes to hospitals and my children and hospitals and well you get it... The surgery was only to take an hour, and it took over two hours. I am not a patient person and this hospital's waiting room was without water, coffee, basic needs like paints, crayons and paper. Everyone had gone home for the holiday and we were all alone. I needed to do something...so after finishing the end of Gone with the Wind, I went hunting. This may be wrong, but on the secretary's desk sat a pencil and a pad of paper. I snagged both and sat in the dark corner of the room and just started doodling... it got me through until the surgery doors opened and the doctor returned.....On a side note my daughter had four breaks in two fingers. Needed pins, wires.. will be casted until February. Ahhhh...life.

I doodled over the scheduling form, front and back with pencil. Took a pic of Abby's arm..merged..

AEDM November 22

2011-11-22T14:24:00.001-08:00

The other night we were driving home and I noticed the sky.... I absolutely love the sky in all its hues. I took a pic with my camera phone and wanted to try to paint that...I used canvas and acrylics.. I love mixing the paints until I come up with the palette I want. Someday I need to figure out how to photograph the pieces because the colors just do not come through. I have really enjoyed this month...sad to see it end but blessed to have been introduced to so many wonderful and warm friends.

AEDM November 21

2011-11-21T13:23:00.001-08:00

With having yet another off day, so I did a page in my crohn's journal... everything feels like a mess... my life feels tangled...for this project, the page that needed worked on was done last week with acrylics. I must have been having a blue day because it looks remarkably similar to last week's art. I accidentally washed my daughter's favorite hat, consequentially it fell apart. Bad for her, good for me... what fun to have all these bits of yarn. ( Yes, I do feel bad.) I gesso'd the bits , used the letters and played with it in picnik.

Twenty years later....

2011-11-20T18:13:00.001-08:00

Twenty years... twenty years ago, I married my best friend. Twenty years ago, I had dreams, hopes , pictures of a life that was completely different of what it is now. When you are newly married, you just "know" that your life will be a certain way. You know... that family on tv that has the perfect kids... perfect house...perfect weather all the time to do all your perfect little family activities. Families are always together on holidays, they support each other through everything.

Twenty years has instead been an education in the real world. In the real world, you don't get to choose how many children you will have. In twenty years , my husband and I have been blessed with six children, four of which live in heaven. I miscarried three precious angels, gave birth to a beautiful daughter who was born still. I almost died giving birth to her. To add insult to injury, my family of origin decided that sticking around was too much after the death of my daughter, leaving us alone. I have had numerous health issues, too many to count. This last one that has knocked me down, now on disability struggling each day.

But, through all of this .....my husband, my friend has never left my side. We have weathered every storm together and come out stronger and better. This isn't saying we haven't struggled because we have. We believe in each other though and believe in our marriage. We want to make this work. We have had help....friends who have helped guide us... helped strengthen us, helped us realize that we are the beginning of a new family.

So twenty years later.... my husband and I are the beginning...and we will continue to build upon our family. Our kids are amazing children...our son is an adult, heading off to college. Our daughter is still in school , just a three short years off from college. They will grow, have their own families.. and so on....

Happy Anniversary to my husband of 20 years, my best friend of 26 years and here is to a lifetime of love.

AEDM November 18, 19, 20

2011-11-17T13:16:00.001-08:00

Weekend are not my art time due to injections, so I decided to work ahead for the next three days. Surprisingly it came very easy. One I love, second is okay, and third is well an experiment in inkblotting that went horribly wrong. I am pretty sure I won't be venturing down that path again...But nothing ventured, nothing gained. This AEDM has certainly broadened my palette for different kinds of art which is a blessing.. I am enjoying this process so much.

Watercolors, acrylics, stamp , fingerpaint magic

Acrylics, markers done with fingerpainting

Oy vey...inkblot experiment,watercolors, markers and a promise it will never happen again.

AEDM November 17

2011-11-17T07:11:00.001-08:00

The resting suddenly ended last night when I was pulled towards my art room...I have never quite experienced the rush of emotions, the way the colors came together. I sat down and suddenly I was done. It was quite the release... I found myself dreaming of colors all night.. of pictures that need painted...I have a feeling that this pull will go longer than just this month and that excites me...

This piece is 11 1/2 by 15 1/2 ...watercolors

AEDM November 16

2011-11-16T10:03:00.001-08:00

Still resting... but did manage to take a pic late last night of the last field going down. Thank you for all the support and well wishes.

AEDM November 15

2011-11-15T11:45:00.001-08:00

This week has been horrible... and its only Tuesday. My best friend's brother died yesterday, my great uncle died today and I am in a flare that is making me horribly sick and very tired. I am upset because my health prohibits me from traveling. I am feeling less than inspired. My painty self is crying because she wants to be let out but I do not have the energy for her. I am laying down cuddled up with my fluffy sweater, blanket and cuppa ...dogs are sleeping.... its a resting day.

AEDM November 14

2011-11-14T12:01:00.001-08:00

Not a good day...simplicity...just the art journal ...seem to be fascinated with the full moon over the not yet harvested corn. I can't seem to get enough of this white wonder....

AEDM November 13

2011-11-13T07:49:00.001-08:00

Awesome. Fantabulous. Last night was girl's night with my daughter... typically filled with fun foods, Gilmore Girls, or some fun movie. We had the food, had the Gilmore but halfway through I was feeling the need to paint. Told Abby and away we went to the sunroom, aka Mom's art room. And the art poured out of us...so many laughs, so much fun...I love my time with kids.

Abby spent time altering a wood craft that I had picked up at goodwill. I decided to work on my Crohn's altered book. I started doing this a year ago when I was so frustrated with this disease. I, foolishly, thought that I would be given some medicine and be sent on my way. Little did I know about this journey, the questions, the highs and lows, the debilitating nature of the disease, the constant trips to hospital, doctors... and on and on. I am still working on gaining remission. I seem to have stumped the doctors both locally and at the mayo. The crohn's had moved into my joints at a very fast rate putting me into a wheelchair on some days.. Which brings us to the altered book. Last night I added another page but I have decided to post what I have so far. I must add, the title came from my son. It was blank and Corey came home from work and looked at my pages. He looked at me and gave it the title... I was laughing so hard. Dark humor runs rampant in this house.

Early on , when symptoms get sprouting

no caption needed... LOL

so many different meds, different side effects

The most recent page...this is sort of what I am feeling right now.. so many doors, wishing that the Hope door would swing open and give me a real glimmer..someday.

After we were done with our crafts, gesso'ing a few more art journals... Abby looked at me and asked if she could do the the door. I should explain. The sunroom we have is finished with this ugly door that we have yet to replace. Last year, I was bored and started painting on it...my husband just laughed which of course gave me free reign to continue * cue evil laugh* Abby decided maybe we should paint it for christmas... so we did. As it dries, we will add different fun christmas-y things to it. Abby baked chocolate chip cookies.. we sat back and admired our work... what an incredibly fun night.,

AEDM November 12

2011-11-12T15:19:00.001-08:00

Today was busy as I don't get many good days...so today is our errand day. When I came home, boys went off to work, daughter fell asleep as basketball has caught up to her so it was perfect time for me to do my art.

I spent some time rearranging my art space. Truly , just seeing what I have so I can give a proper Christmas list to my hubby.

Decided I wanted to play with watercolors and markers and some acrylics.

Started playing with my camera and macro, taking fun shots of my art stuff. I gesso'd my art journal that I am doing to rid myself of Crohn's stress. Then I decided to work on my other art journal today. Add a fun page.

I just let the art flow and went with my heart. I would like to take this time and thank all who have stopped by. It has been such a wonderful joy to meet all of you and see your amazing work.

AEDM November Day 11

2011-11-11T10:05:00.001-08:00

Off day for me...injection night leads to blah day..can't get out of bed....so just playing on my computer...cleaned up a pic I took last weekend. Hugs to all... enjoy your weekend!!!

AEDM November Day 10

2011-11-10T13:41:00.001-08:00

Autumn. Fall. My absolute favorite time of year. I love to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet, love to look at the beautiful palette of colors that is so inspiring. This year was difficult for me, because due to disease , I was unable to run and jump in the leaves. Yes, you read that right...up until two years ago, I would actually jump in leaves... with or without my kids..my inner child gets out often. My son, bless his heart, took me on a walk in my wheelchair. I still started to cry because it just wasn't the same. He stopped, came around the wheelchair, put the foot rests up and said " Mom, drag your feet." I listened to him.. and though it was not crunching, more like shoveling..it was fun. We laughed so hard and I am pretty sure , neither of us will forget that moment that my feet were covered in a great big pile of golden leaves that I had shoveled off the path.

So today's piece was my homage to fall. I started out with a piece of cardboard that had been gesso'd. Second layer was all of my favorite fall colors done with a rolling brush and blended together. I didn't like the rough look so I covered the edges with ribbon. Of course, the great big pile of artificial leaves were scattered all around me, so I started decorating the canvas. I couldn't manage to get the lettering right and finally just went with stickers I had on hand. Honestly, I am disappointed with that lettering but I am letting that go... I took a picture of it, played with it in picnik making the colors more vibrant and adding a mirrored frame.

I know fall is nearing its end... but if you are able.. go jump in a pile of leaves. I promise you won't regret it.

AEDM November Day 9

2011-11-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

This actually happened last night. I can't quite describe it....but wow was it fun. I have certainly learned that art should be fun, a source of joy, of energy...I sat down with my art and just had fun.... It was funny because I didn't see the face right away until I put the zipper mouth on... and I fell in love with her.

AEDM November Day 8

2011-11-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

This started out as a photograph I took while on a day trip to John Wayne's birthplace. The replica of the old western town drew me in. I absolutely love walking back through time. I can always just take a moment and envision how life must have been during the that time. I could imagine me with my day dress going to the general store and picking up some needed items. And of course, I would have purchased this luxurious Chocolate Cream Coffee.
The photography was done using different filters and adding a texture layer. I struggled today. I wish with all my heart I could learn how to merge, layer, texturize, etc. but I seem to have this block in my brain.I have paintshop pro and for three hours and many tutorials , I worked with it. Gave up and used picnik. I am not proud I did but I just don't get it. I feel like algebra all over again... my tutor ,many years ago, would tell me I had this stubborn block. Apparently it has moved to image manipulation. I admit... I am insanely jealous of all of you that do AMAZING work with photographs and drawings.
But not to fear... I continue to say inspired... with other things.

AEDM November Day 7

2011-11-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Staying in the lines, following the rules... not me. I am pretty sure I was born without that function. Today was an interesting AEDM. I realized I had no canvas, had nothing. Thanks to Mother Henna and her idea of gesso-ing cardboard, I suddenly had a ton of canvas. After I completed several sheets of cardboard, I was itching to do something, anything artsy. I started digging through my art stuff and found all these "crafty" projects that were given to the kids as christmas gifts years ago. They were just sitting there. So I grabbed them and shuffled through. An engraving kit peaked my interest, so I sat down and started "following the rules." That lasted about two minutes.... heart took over and suddenly I had a mess, a bright, beautiful mess. Next step was to paint over the entire piece with paper paint....oh I love paper paint. Spattering with silver acrylic was next.

One big jumbled, beautiful mess and I love it.

AEDM November Day 6

2011-11-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

blades in beauty
dancing delicately
in perfect unison

AEDM November Day 3

2011-11-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

~~I am not an artist. I am not even close to having the talent I am seeing on the blogs~~ I admit I am struggling with so many issues right now. I did sign up to the Art Every Day but after perusing the blogs, I am blown away by what I am seeing. I know I am mainly into photography but really am trying to branch out and explore other avenues. The last three days have given me pause. What am I doing? Is this art? Obviously what I am looking at with the other participants is art, incredible beautiful art. Mine sometimes looks like a first grader. But that being said, I really don't want to stop. Being sick, has taken away much of what I look forward to. I am confined to my house every day. So having a goal each day, attempting to do any little bit of art I can gives me a feeling of accomplishment so I have to rethink my thinking.
With that being said, today I have a fair amount of pain so I was limited. I picked up my sketch book and just started playing with the pastels...just filling the paper with colors... but a sad face emerged, then tears followed. So I just went with it. Scanned it and played with photo editing and put the brick wall behind my face...This is exactly how I am feeling right now.

November Art Every Day 2

2011-11-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

November Art Every Day 1

2011-11-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is my first time participating in Art Every Day and I am so excited !! I mainly do photography, digital art from the photography and sometimes if health permits, I dabble around with altered books, altered goodwill finds, canvas with oil/watercolors/pastels, and recycling materials in really fun ways.

This is a picture I took of a Calavera I made for my daughter's ofrenda and then played with digital effects.

Día de los Muertos 2011

2011-10-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

Día de los Muertos or Day of the Dead is a holiday where families remember and pray for those who have died. When Nora died in 2001, we had never heard of this holiday. A dear friend introduced this wonderful tradition to us and it took off. We had first started with a small ofrenda but ten years later our ofrenda has grown. This year , Nora's brother and sister decided to do most of the work , with mom putting on the finishing touch.

Our ofrendra includes Nora's picture, several art pieces from a wonderful Day of the Dead HeART trade, an altered book I made last year which remembers all of the children that I am honored to know, Nora's baby toys, and the tea set that was Abby's passed on to Nora, and a blanket that was especially made for Nora when she was born.

First last and in between.

2011-08-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

Freshman year, Senior year, start of school year, backpacks, tears, pictures. First day of school is never easy. This year was particularly hard. My baby boy is graduating this year. My girl is entering high school this year. And of course.... in the shadows of the day lingers the memory of the little girl that would be in fifth grade.

Capturing the events of the morning, watching each movement, trying to remember all of this and attempting not to cry. It was not easy. Even Ellie, our lab, was crying.

I am extremely proud of both kids. Corey, my son, is going premed in college. Abby is still undecided but leaning towards the engineer field. We aren't partial to any field. We just want them to be kind and loving adults with lives that fulfill them. I just want them to be happy. It may sound cliche but its the truth.

It will be a long day.

International Kindness Project Day or Day of love

2011-07-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

RAOK , or Random Acts of Kindness is something that everyone is probably familiar with. This world could use more acts of kindness, more compassion towards others, less hate, more inclusiveness.

When Dr. Jo from the MISS Foundation decided to make July 27th International Kindness Project Day, well it was inspired. Not only is this an incredibly special day to Dr. Jo, but she found a way to unite all of the Random Acts of Kindness into one special day. In fact, she did such an amazing job, that the sun seemed to shine a bit brighter today.

My family decided to attend this special event and sat down as a family to decide what we would do. We wanted to make a difference in Nora's name and we wanted to give help where help was needed most. After many ideas were tossed around, the two local homeless shelters seemed to stick the most.

Research followed to find their needs and we spent the next month preparing for this special day. We decided to help both local shelters, one on July 26, the other on the 27th.

On the morning of the 26th, Corey and I pulled into the shelter with our goodies in tow. Corey went into the shelter to ask for drop off locations and handed them the card. He came back out to the car and said they wanted to speak to me. As I helped Corey carry the items in, I was not prepared for what would happen next. The two wonderful and amazing volunteers had questions about the MISS Foundation, about the child that the donation was in memory of, about us and what inspired this. As I answered the questions, a common bond emerged. One of the volunteers was a grandmother of an angel. Tears flowed from both of our eyes and we hugged. The ladies hugged my son and thanked us profusely. At that moment, I understood.

I understood that through each act of kindness we do in our child's name, our child lives in that moment. I felt Nora , I felt her presence , her love and I knew that in my own way, this is how I can be the best parent to her.

Last evening I received an email from the daughter of the volunteer. She was so touched by our random act of kindness, she decided she would do her own random acts. This amazing mom and her children had a wonderful time spreading love and kindness in her son's memory. I now feel blessed to know this amazing person and share her story.

Today, Abby and Corey went with me to drop off our donations to the other shelter. We stopped to pick up a few things and then went to the coffee house. Today is also the angelversary of a special friend's son. I decided to purchase a gift card to give to a random person in his name. After we were done, we dropped off our donations and again was surprised with a special gift.

Corey took the kindness card and ran in, again asking for where to drop off. When he came out, he looked at me and said that the person knew me. I have never been there so I had no idea what he was talking about. When I walked in, I was reunited with a dear friend whom I had not seen in quite awhile. As we hugged, again I am reminded that my daughter is everywhere.

I can't help but believe that Nora was smiling and proud of her family today. It was such an amazing , wonderful feeling to share our daughter/sister with random strangers through acts of kindness. I promised her ten years ago that I would not forget, that her life would not be in vain. I understand now. I understand so much better.

This has been a day that I will not soon forget. It has been the most beautiful day filled with the most beautiful love all inspired by the love we share for our children. What a wonderful legacy.

Blurred June

2011-06-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

12:22 am - I sat up in bed, startled by a noise outside. I grabbed my cellphone to see what time it was and under the time, in what felt like a neon sign, I saw the word, June. In years past, this meant summer vacations, hot days, children running and playing, and so much fun. This morning the word sent me into tears. I just grabbed my pillow and hugged it. I realized that it is June 1, two days until Nora's tenth birthday.

June is forever tainted for me. June will never be the same. After two fall babies, I was finally going to have a summer baby. I was so excited. Nora died June 3. I was in a coma from the moment I pushed her out until June 11, in recovery another week. On June 18, I was able to meet my daughter for the first time in the funeral home. On June 19, we buried Nora. On June 21, her original due date, we were picking out her headstone.

June is a month that is so blurred, so confusing. June's memories and emotions...all blurred.

I miss Nora.

Right where I am 10 years later.....

2011-05-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

The other day, while out with my family, I felt the need for a donut. Simple request. Just craved a donut, specifically a blueberry glazed. After four different stores, and a realization that they no longer carry this brand in the area, I sat in my car and screamed ,then cried. My family thought I had gone nuts which made me cry even harder. At first, I had no idea why I was crying and then it hit me. When I was pregnant with Nora, I craved, and I mean craved these delicious bites of heaven.

As I am typing this blog post, I am crying. Ten years later. A donut started the tears that won't stop. Nora's ten year birthday is next week, June 3. I am a mess. I imagine I will be a mess through the month of June at which point things will calm until the next wave of grief rushes through me.

I have come to realize this. There is no magic pill, nothing that can be done to change this. I have come a long way since 2001. Heck, I have come a long way since last year. Grief changes year to year, month to month, second to second and all it takes is one memory, one smell, one sound, or one donut to rush it back into your life.

Things were different in the beginning. I had a sucky extended family, most refused to come to the funeral. Ten years later, these people are no longer in my life. I have a better relationship with the farmer down the road than with my own father. I have been missing him so much lately but there is nothing I can do to change that. I miss my old friends but again they backed out of my life. My grief was too powerful for the normals out there.

It has been a journey with a steep learning curve. In the beginning , I wore lots of "masks." They were hot and uncomfortable. I hated to pretend, it wasn't me. I gradually started ripping them off , refusing to wear them in public. I was a person who lost a child , I was a person who lost the ability to have more, I was a person with surviving children , a husband. I was not able to handle pregnant women, newborns, commercials with newborns, shows with newborns, the list goes on. I didn't care what people thought of me. I just wanted to be real.

Than I went back to work. The mask had to come out because society couldn't handle the real me. So, off I went. One job, two jobs, three jobs- yea I had a hard time keeping the masks on. I kept encountering people who were clueless. I felt the need to educate. I needed to make sure that I did self care, take time to cry or scream. I needed to talk about my baby, my Nora, my experience. Sure I could do it online, in the safety of forums and blogs but that wasn't good enough. I wanted the world to get it. Just freaking get it. It didn't work very well.

At the five year mark, I eventually learned how to coexist in the world and share Nora. I started to pick and choose who I share Nora with. People, new friends, co-workers had to meet a special criteria. It was a protective tool I used to guard myself, my feelings from the coldness of the world. It worked. It took so much hard work, meditation, artwork, yoga, breathing.. any tool I could use to help me through this lifelong journey of grief.

Ten years. I am different. My children are different. My husband is different. Nora is a part of our lives. We don't try so hard anymore. Nora is just my third child, she lives in our hearts. We have finely developed rituals. She is remembered on each holiday, whether it be just lighting a candle, the angel tree, or her birthday party. Her name moves freely on our lips. We laugh when we remember certain pregnancy memories. We plant gardens in her name. We do acts of kindness in her name. We cry if we need to, sometimes we even throw rocks into rivers to release anger. We are in control and we know what works for us. We remember Nora however and whenever we want , in any situation.

Ten years ago I was told that my children would be messed up because I allowed them to know their full term baby sister who was born still. This year my son, 17 , spearheaded a walk for the MISS Foundation. My son and my daughter who is now 13 have helped children and parents understand loss. My son's mission in life is to help others understand how to help the bereaved. I could not be prouder. This is Nora's legacy.

As I sit here rereading this, I realize that I am all over the place. To the reader, I apologize. This blog post is very indicative of how my grief has been. There is no set timetable, no rules, no promises of things to come. It just is and I just am. June 3 will be here and I know tears will come. We have a birthday party, share steamed crabs, eat cake and let balloons go. My incredible sister in law, my mom, my cherished pre-Nora friends, my beautiful new friends, other amazing and wonderful bereaved mommies and daddies will remember, and for that I am blessed. I will go through her stuff, her few cherished mementos and hold them. I will mourn Nora..but ten years later, I know I am a better and changed person because of her. I will never forget because I will always love her.

Only time will tell what the future will bring. I am sure as I see my oldest off at graduation, watch my daughter in her prom gown, and all the other things I won't share with Nora, more tears will come. Its only natural , its part of the grieving process.

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”
~Erich Fromm~

Crohn's drug cocktails all around...

2010-08-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

Today's altered book page focuses on the ridiculous amount of drug cocktails and their awesome side effects. I have been on no less than 23 different prescriptions this year alone. 23. That number alone makes me even sicker. I have sat through numerous doctor visits and drug consultations because of the side effects. I have been hospitalized twice because of a drug that gave me pancreatitis. The latest drug has given me diabetes, could give me kidney and liver failure, has made my face swell to a pillsbury dough boy shape, has given me a mysterious red dots, and has made my hair go running from my head. Any infection I get could lead to sepsis. Really I can't help but think WTF?

Stuck in hell

2010-08-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

I have to say...if I were to sum up this year, my 40th year on this earth, it would be in one word, HELL. I have had some bad years.. the year Nora died is at the top but this year... I have been sick since January. I have had more tests, more doctors appointments, more hospital visits, blood tests than ever in my life. I have come to the conclusion that this year sucks. I keep looking for an out but I am not finding one. I have come to accept that I have Crohn's. I accept that I have a disease but what I don't accept is the lack of control of the disease. I am not understanding why the doctors cannot get a handle on this damn disease. And to add insult to injury, the medications they give me are inspiring other diseases to come to fruition. Its like a damn disease party in my body. Why not? Crohn's is all alone, so its decided to invite Diabetes, Mysterious Rash and Pancreatitis. Now they are just having the time of their life while ruining mine.

Something has got to change, right?

To celebrate the party of hell in my body, I decided to dedicate an altered book to Crohn's and its many facets. First pic posted is the disease party, second pic is the first pic digitally altered to represent how my life with crohn's feels.... pretty messed up.

One moment

2010-05-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

One moment

a beautiful night in front of the fire

a day of enjoying the sun and gardens

dancing with your son to Strawberry Fields

dancing with your daughter to the music in our head

painting toenails

loving your precious Ellie ... the best lab ever

a quiet table with your hubby, enjoying a cup of coffee

sunday morning with the smell of flowers wafting through the house

Moments in time ....trying to remind myself that there are good moments and to take the time to breathe them in.

Altered book journey for Nora's birthday

2010-05-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

I decided to try something different this year and apply the heART techniques I have learned to the grief journey..I find myself struggling every year as we approach Nora's birthday. It starts with Easter which was the baby shower we had for her and ends on June 18, the day I finally got to meet my angel. It was suggested that I do something to mark the passages of this journey so I decided to do an altered book. I never realized that altering books could be so liberating, a way of changing what was once never to be changed.

There was a time in the past that I was afraid of this time of year but now I find myself embracing it, like a dear old friend. I know it will come every year and I hope that from now on I will be able to just greet it and spend time with it. The altered book has allowed me to do just that. I find myself moved to alter pages, to take my feelings and put them on paper, to be as dark or as light as I feel in the moment.

Wishcasting

2010-04-06T13:09:00.001-07:00

From this weeks permission class with MotherHenna~I thoroughly enjoyed this weeks class..loved the meditation.. loved the marbles.. loved the wishcasting.. Loved the idea that instead of saying no.. being curious.. see what happens...

Art therapy

2010-04-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Life has been a bit bumpy lately. Trying to give myself permission to just feel, to just be. I admit, its a work in progress. Today, after watching a video from MotherHenna, I decided to open my art journal and just relax. Using acrylic paints, recycled cardboard advertisement, glitter hairspray, a toothbrush, mod podge for adhesive and pages from an altered book project~I just went into my safe space and enjoyed the process.

Sacred Space

2010-03-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

Finding my safe space, my sacred space. My safe space is the space in and surrounding my home. My sunroom provides me with warmth and a beautiful view of our chickens and the birds that come and visit. Artwork, dancing, reading and just hanging with the kids is what usually is happening in the sunroom. My yard provides me plenty of space to walk and just be, though usually Ellie is just being as well..as you can see. My gardens provide me a way to work through issues demanding labor. And there is a landing in my house that always has the afternoon sun, perfect for reading and just being. This is my safe space.

Finding Permissions

2010-03-26T11:45:00.001-07:00

Taking a class with Mother Henna~Defining Permission, Giving myself permission to move through this latest health crisis, and mom leaving. Giving myself permission to find a new job, pursue a new dream. Giving myself permission to be pissed off, to be angry, to be hurt, to be happy , to be crazy, to dance like there's no tomorrow. Giving myself permission to just be who I am in the moment and nothing more. Giving myself permission to mess up my own artwork and make it into something completely different. Giving myself permission to just sit and breath.

Rendezvouz and I am through with you....

2010-03-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

So far this year has not been any better than last year. I would almost venture to say it has been worse. Our family sat there on New Year's Eve with promises abounding of a great and wonderful year, and than I got sick. Not a cold or the flu, but a sickness that has me homebound..after way too many tests , doctor visits and countless trips to the hospital I have discovered that I have Crohn's.
Through all of the medical adventure, I had little emotional side trips.

~My job protected leave is coming to an end which is actually a blessing. This disease has reminded me to do what I want to do, life is far too short to do anything less.

~My mom has decided to pack up and move back to Pennsylvania which has been heartwrenching for everyone, especially Abby.. her grandmother was her best friend. There were tea parties, sleepovers, sewing sessions, craft time and the infamous ping pong. Abby is lost. My mom is choosing to go back to being alone. She does not have any family there. As a family, we tend to process . We learned this when Nora died. So we have been talking, screaming, talking, shouting, crying and just trying to sort through. We aren't there yet. We have a long way to go. This hurts and selfishly we thought when she moved out here a year and a half ago that she would stay... she would just live out the rest of her life here in Iowa. But she hated it. I don't know why. I thought everything was amazing, sharing holidays with her, gardening with her, sharing our life with her. The winter in Iowa brought her a loneliness from within that only she can fix. Sometimes I think she wants to be alone. She finds it very difficult to be a part of a family. So I need to let her go..Unfortunately her timing and leaving in a secretive manner did nothing to help my current health.

I have to find my way through this.. help the kids to understand and just move forward.

40 years....

2010-01-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

Forty years.. somehow when I was young, I thought turning the big 4-0 would be different but it really wasn't. Still battling a demon that has gotten hold of me and making me sick, thus I am stuck at home. Decided that art was needed today.. did several pastel drawings and than did a background piece that somehow took on a life of its own.
Wanted to share. Enjoy.

Scribbles of Life

2010-01-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

Recently, Mother Henna had a post on her blog about scribbling to self assess. It was the perfect time to start this exercise. I have been sick for almost two weeks now and really felt the need to do this. I sat down with my sketchbook and a charcoal pencil and closed my eyes. Just felt the paper and the pencil. At first there was so much anger flowing through my hand but as time moved on, I could feel my hand slowing down and moving to a slow rhythm. At some point , I felt done so I opened my eyes; tore the piece of paper out and turned it, twisted it and saw several shapes jump out of me. I took my color pastels and outlined three distinct shapes, the equilateral cross which is the symbol of our church, the heart , and the loop which looks like an 8. After , I took lots of different color pastels and just followed the lines. For a moment I was lost in the colors and the movement. I softened the colors , scanned it and then digitally enhanced the photo and the above is the result.
For me, this assessment revealed several things. The equilateral cross seems to be the most vivid which for me reveals that I am getting back to where I need to be spiritually, and possibly need to trust my faith more when it comes to my health. The loop represents the constant struggle.. I think its shows the good and bad side of my health and how I just keep going round and round. The heart is the love I have and the love I receive from others. When I digitally enhanced it, it turned into a rainbow of beautiful colors which reminds me of Nora.
I look forward to repeating this exercise tomorrow to see what the scribbling reveals.

Remembering what Christmas is all about...

2009-11-25T04:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas has been on my mind lately. My husband had his hours cut so we knew Christmas would not be like last year. I have been very sad over this and just couldn't shake this awful feeling. As most know, the kids and I talk about everything. We discussed my feelings and Corey, the oldest, told me he doesn't want gifts this year. He never really liked the whole gift thing. Corey said the entire season is destroyed by this competition of gifts, who got the most, who got the most expensive. When it comes down to it, does anyone remember what Christmas is actually about. He said when you ask most kids they will tell you its gifts. He was actually glad that gifts couldn't be a part of the equation this year. Abby spoke up and kept saying she really only wanted us for Christmas, to play games, watch movies , just be a family.
I started thinking about this and they are right. Every year we spend money we don't really have , on gifts that we really don't need. There is definitely a sense of competition between parents, whether conscious or not. There is so much stress running to the store, getting up on Black Friday to the pushing and shoving of the season, and the guilt that drives the gift giving. I know in the past, more than once, I have said " does anyone really know the meaning of Christmas, does anyone have the spirit of the holidays?" I get so mad every year and by the time the holidays are here, I am annoyed. The morning of Christmas has lasted all of 10 minutes and than you are done. All that craziness for just a few minutes of material joy.
This year we are challenging ourselves to stop the madness. We don't have it so we aren't doing it. We sat down with the kids, who are 16 and 12, and discussed traditions, what they need for the holidays. Their answer: food, family and fun. Food because we carry on a Polish Tradition every year where we eat Borscht, albeit gluten free this year. We also bake a cake for Jesus and have every year. They requested that we light the house up this year , so we did manage to find lights on sale and will have the brightest spot in the cornfield. Fun is defined by them as playing games, drinking hot cocoa and driving to see the christmas lights, and definitely watching the classic christmas movies. The more I think about this, the more excited I get over the holidays. And I have never been excited over the holidays.
And for this I thank my children, who once again inspire me and teach me life lessons that make me a better person.

♥Dìa de los Muertos♥

2009-10-31T05:32:00.000-07:00

Abby and I participated in Mother Henna's Day of the Dead Blog Fest and Artist Trade. We both had so much fun working on our pieces. Day of the Dead became a tradition for us when we lost our daughter/sister Nora.

Abby loved painting each of her pieces, and I loved using photography as my medium. We especially enjoyed sitting together, remembering our loved ones while we worked on our Day of the Dead pieces. Together our family set up Nora's ofrenda including Day of the Dead art that both kids have made throughout the years. We cannot wait to include our artist collaboration pieces from this event, everyone did such a beautiful job!!

Thank you to Mother Henna for having such a wonderful event for a very special day.

I encourage you to find out more on Day of the Dead and set up your own ofrenda. It is a very special way to honor and remember those who have gone before us.

Remembering....

2009-09-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

When we first lost Nora, we had a difficult time with friends and family. Mostly, they really didn't get it. Not all of them, my mother was my rock and still is. My sister-in-law, my parents-in-law, my best friends...we were blessed to have them in our life. We still are as they continue to remember with us, to hold our hand.

As a family, we have grown in our grief. Nora has been integrated into our every day life and grief has become a friend. Sometimes grief visits for awhile, sometime we do not see grief for a long time. We have learned as a family that what we do is normal. No one has the right to judge us, not even family. This has been a very painful discovery as those who do not understand continue to judge and say hurtful things. Sometimes walking away is the only option as one cannot continue to be needlessly hurt. We still love those who hurt us but we need to live our life as we see fit. This year has been a turning point, albeit a painful one.

Through this painful discovery, we have met some incredible and thoughtful people who are more than willing to step in, to show love, to be our family. I work with some amazing coworkers who really get it. Some are a member of the "club", some just have open minds. We are blessed to live and work in Iowa City, an incredibly diverse area of Iowa that have such amazing people. The dead are not forgotten but simply remembered and honored in so many ways.

One of these amazing customs is from Mexico, Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead. I was fortunate to learn about this early on in my grief journey. Seven years ago, I explained this day to my living children and they were so excited. We put up an ofrenda and have never missed this celebration. The children are both in junior high and high school now. This holiday is celebrated both in their school, with their friends and in our community. My friend at work is going to Mexico to celebrate Day of the Dead with his best friend. It has been wonderful to share how each of us takes this day and remembers those who are no longer with us.

As I step back this year and watch the festivities, I am reminded of how far we have come. Seven years ago when we put up our first ofrenda, we were very broken , we were afraid to share the holiday for fear of family ridiculing. Now, we aren't afraid. Our family has changed, and grown with the addition of friends who accept us and love us and celebrate with us.

This Day of the Dead will be a celebration as we completely immerse ourselves in the culture. Sugar Skulls will be made, the ofrenda will be bigger and more beautiful as we celebrate and remember those who are no longer with us. We will remember Nora, our daugher, who died in 2001. We will remember the twins we lost and the littlest angel we lost in 1996. We will remember all the babies lost to stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant death. We will remember my loving grandmother who died in 2007, my husbands grandparents and aunts and uncles. We will remember all of our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.. we will remember everyone as we celebrate Dia de los Muertos.

Looking through the artistic window

2009-03-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I have not updated this blog in a very long time. I have become a facebook junkie, a part time artist, a super busy mom, and a very tired daughter. I am being pulled into so many pieces that I will definitely need to take time to put me back together. I find Facebook my outlet.. thought lately I am having a hard time keeping up. Finding great joy in reconnecting with my past friends from high school, part of the facebook addiction. I have also , with the help of my dear friend over at KotaPress, rediscovered my artistic side. Art helps to balance me, both with my life long journey in grief and with just life in general. The kids have been super busy with one competition after another, teaching me that both have amazing creative talents that come out in very different ways. Abby is very much into the inventive side of life. She looks beyond the ordinary to create something wonderful. Corey does wonderful work in speech, recently participating in a number of speech contests. He has a great humorous side and definitely adds a spark to any moment in time. He has the ability to make people laugh and he loves doing it. I have awesome kids. Recently, both kids have joined me in the artistic side of life, it is a way to express anger, happiness, or if they are missing their sister, a way to work through the feelings , the pain.
My mom has recently moved to her very own house, moving her this week has been exhausting and an experience. Bear and I have spent every waking moment this past week moving her..and trying to set her up. I have hope that life will give her what she needs and she will move into a new direction. I find that she needs to be settled, this past 6 months were very unsettling for her. Even with this journey, one can find the art settling in..whether it be setting up mom's new house, or planning out her gardening or just being creative , the art is there. Mom tends to be crafty as well and I hope to get her involved in new projects.
This must draw to a close.. but I do hope to blog more often..as well as do more art... I need the balance...Thank you Kara.

Ice Storm Cometh

2008-12-20T05:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it takes an ice storm and your fifteen year old to teach you about life. Life gets so busy sometimes and when you are mom..and Christmas is only days away busy doesn't even begin to describe it. When we were making preparations for the ice storm, my fifteen year old asked me quite pointedly why we never just stop... why I always have to keep going and keep busy. It really took me by surprise but I chalked it up to he will understand when he is older. Yesterday we were hit by the storm, thankfully not as severe as forecasted but bad enough to keep me home from work and the kids home from school. Suddenly I was granted an extra day, I could bake cookies, wrap gifts, clean the house and at that moment I said NO! Corey heard me say for the first time that we were going to do nothing.. just have fun and live in the moment..I had the best day I have ever had.. I enjoyed the kids, I worked on my photography, Abby worked on her art and Corey discovered that he could blog as well.
Sometimes it takes a fifteen year old and an ice storm to wake you up to life.....thats a very good thing!!

Snowflakes

2008-11-30T14:14:00.001-08:00

As I sit here watching the snow fall, our first measurable snow , I am reminded of how fast time flies. I cannot believe we are entering yet another Christmas season. Christmas is always a mixed time for our family, experiencing both joy for our blessings, and a profound sadness from missing our littlest angel Nora. We decorated her grave and put up our angel tree in memory of her. We will be attending two ceremonies this year in her honor. The first will be this Saturday, at the Angel of Hope candlelight vigil for those who have lost a child. The second will be next Tuesday at the Love Lights ceremony. Grandmom J bought a Love Light in honor of Nora and her mother, my grandmother. The Love Light Ceremony is to honor all who have died so that we may remember.

Some good news finally!!!

2008-10-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

Thought I would share Corey's freshman pic. Corey is starting to have more good days than bad days. For that, we are eternally grateful. He will just spend winter resting, no sports. He feels if he continues to heal than he will play football again. Bear and I have decided that this is up to him. He turned 15...wow can't believe that. 15 years old.. I don't know when that happened. He has a girlfriend now, her name is Katherine. He took her to homecoming and they have been dating ever since. Here is a pic from that night:
Corey is also spending alot of free time helping with the elementary after school program. He wants to be a teacher so this really helps him with that goal. He loves the kids and loves reading to them and helping with their homework.
Abby is doing great. She has her first piano recital Tuesday. I will be sure to post pics from that. She continues to excel in school and music. She recently participated in an Eco-Meet with her TAG group. She had lots of fun!!!

Difficult times

2008-10-21T04:13:00.000-07:00

I have to apologize for not updating the blog. We have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and sometimes even scary. Corey got a concussion, a severe one, in a football game two weeks ago. So far, we have made three trips to the ER. It has been horrible to watch Corey suffer. He has been pulled out of football until next year. In my heart I never want him to go back but I know that football is his love. Yesterday we went back to the ER. Last night at dinner, Corey said something that brought both Bear and myself to tears. Corey is not sure he wants to go back to playing. He realizes the severity of the injury and is not sure he can face this again, or face a worse condition.

When I lost Nora seven years ago, you become delusional thinking that you have lost one and you won't lose another one but we came close. With everything the doctors have told us, we came close. Today is Corey's birthday. I am so thankful to have Corey and to know that in time he will hopefully heal from this injury. Please keep Corey in your prayers.

Our Multi-musical Girl!!

2008-09-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

Abby has continued to amaze me with all she does...she is now playing piano and the trombone. She practices both and will even be in a recital in October for piano. Abby also is part of Math Olympiads and she will participate in the Eco-meet challenge. We are very proud of her.

Woohoooo First Game

2008-09-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

The Columbus Wildcats won their first game, 52-8 against the Highland Huskies. It was an awesome game to watch and hear, for the first time we got to hear an announcer at the game. How cool was it to hear Corey's name rumble across the field. Corey played all game, both defense and offense in a variety of positions. We even got to see Corey in the position of Running Back.. but I still love to watch the kid block. The Wildcats stunned the Huskies in their season opener!!

Abby's Birthday

2008-09-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we celebrated Abby's birthday. She was so happy to have grandmom here and for Grandmom to make her famous holy cow cake! Dad made stromboli and I made Abby's fav spinach artichoke dip. She got lots of fab gifts including a bird she named Wally. Wally is adorable and already is just loving his new home, not so sure of Ellie but Ellie is not so sure of him either. I can hardly believe Abby is turning 11.. where does the time go?

First High School Football Pic

2008-09-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Just the proud mom...

Back to School

2008-08-27T09:18:00.001-07:00

Well that time of year is upon us again. This year Corey and Abby have entered a new year of school, friends and fun. Corey is a freshman in High School ( really, did I just type that?) and Abby is a fifth grader. Both were super excited that Grandmom got to share their back to school moments. My mom recently moved out to be with us and the kids could not be happier.
They both had an excellent first week. Corey was slightly overwhelmed with the demands of high school but that was quickly quelled by the excitement of JV football. We had his first scrimmage game which was fun to watch. We look forward to a great season of Wildcat Football.
Abby is looking forward to all of her academic endeavors, including Math Olympiads and the Invention Convention. She is also planning to join band this year as well as piano lessons.
The calendar is full , it is go time!!!

After the flood.....

2008-06-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

The water is receding and the damage is being assessed. Its not pretty. It is one of the saddest things I have seen. Communities all over Iowa devastated by flood. The pictures have been heart wrenching. Last night, a train from Tysons fell into the river. It would seem the bridge just could not take the pressure that was applied to it by the flood. The engineer had minor injuries and was flown to U of I. I have added another photo gallery to show some of the things we are seeing. I have included pictures from around Columbus Junction. When looking at the pictures of plants, note the discoloration that occurs in the middle. That would be how high the water actually rose. The one picture which looks like a lake, that is actually a field that is now under a significant amount of mud. We definitely know how lucky we were to come out of this unscathed. I hope that with all of our support, the community will be able to recover.

Great Flood of 2008

2008-06-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share some of the pics that we were able to get. Police are discouraging photos of flood so its not the easiest task to get pics. The top picture is of I80 East. The second picture is the gravel road down the street from us and yes there is a road through there, just seems none of us can remember where it belongs. The third picture would be Bears way to work.. guess who is staying home. The last picture is going to Columbus Junction, yet another reason to just stay home for now. Tyson is in the water now. Sending prayers to all flood victims. We were very lucky that the Iowa River spared us.

Welcome

2008-06-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

With all of todays technology, its time that this family came into the 21st century. There has been so much happening, either in Iowa or in our personal lives, that it would be so much easier to share via a blog. So from my cornfield in Iowa comes our personal blog where you will see our contemplations. You will share our life as we know it. So come and sit, join us and share this adventure we call life.